The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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