When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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