Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
