I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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