Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
