Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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