Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
