Will you blow on my dice?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
