i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
