Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just had sex on a roof
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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