i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
