I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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