Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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