KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
