this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
