my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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