Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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