after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
