My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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