mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
