we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
