Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
