i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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