then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
false alarm, still single
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
