Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
