And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
