I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize