So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
