How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
