i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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