oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
