He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
