Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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