i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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