I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
