I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I supernannyed him into submission
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
