I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
