I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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