i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
