you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
