I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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