I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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