So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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