did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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