there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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