I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
