Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
