go do what you do best...puke behind churches
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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