yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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