also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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