T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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