i just google imaged poop.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
whose parrot is this?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
