Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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