I hate your face
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
