ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Houston, we have a blender
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
