just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.