i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?