Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.