Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me