somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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