i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
